Vantu Kyle: Gentlemen, the Fashion Plateau is really grateful for your willingness to shed light on your body hair treatment regime. We have received many letters, emails and faxes, asking how such a perfect nude upper-body look can be achieved. So tell us – shaving, waxing or a more unorthodox treatment method invented by Professor Challenger?

Lord John Roxton: Go ahead, Ned.

Ned Malone: No, please, you start.

LJR: Oh, come on, Neddy-Boy, you said we should talk to the press and not make a big secret out of it.

NM: All right. I use waxing to get rid of chest hair. It’s a bit uncomfortable, but I like the fact that it lasts for weeks. And the hair grows back softer. Unlike some people <meaningful glance at Lord Roxton> I’m not getting all whiny when a few hairs are ripped out of my skin.

LJR: Having hot wax put on your body and ripping out hair just isn’t right! I do the manly thing. I shave. It’s easy and quick and I can do it myself. I don’t have to go to the beauty parlor in the Zanga Mall every six weeks. Unlike OTHER PEOPLE I make myself useful around the house or do some hunting to get food on the table.

NM: EXCUSE ME? You seem to forget that my trips to the Zanga Mall also serve to bring coffee for YOUR girlfriend.

LJR: She is NOT my girlfriend. Well… I mean… She… And I… We… Uhm…

VK: Gentlemen, please, could we get back to the subject at hand. So it’s waxing for Mr. Malone and shaving for Lord Roxton. <scribbles furiously> Are you using any lotions to make sure that the skin isn't irritated by the shaving or waxing?

LJR: Yes, we have this lovely aloe gel that is very cooling and refreshing.

NM: And Marguerite is always around to help him apply it…

LJR: <nasty look at Malone> Unfortunately Ned is too shy to ask Veronica for help, that’s why he has to apply it all by himself.

VK: <quickly asking another question before the two get into another fight> Any other methods used? Maybe some unknown Zanga treatments?

 

Uncomfortable silence. The two men are hemming and hawing. Vantu Kyle smells a scoop.

 

VK: Gentlemen, our readers are looking to you for guidance in male fashion matters, you’re idolized around the globe. Only the whole truth will suffice.

LJR: <reluctantly> Well... There was an experimental treatment…

VK: I KNEW IT!!! Ahem…. Sorry! Please continue.

LJR: Challenger approached us and told us he had a great new invention. Laser hair removal. Less painful than waxing and permanent, he said. Permanent, right! I’m thinking great, saves a lot of time.

NM: Yeah… completely harmless, he says. No side effects whatsoever, he says. I'm asking him: Challenger, have you done any studies? Experimented with an ape man or two? They are very hairy after all. Not necessary, he says. The device is fool-proof.

LJR: HAH!!! Fool-proof indeed!

VK: So what happened?
LJR: He talked both of us into being his guinea pigs. Tells us that we have different types of body hair, he wants to test it on a blonde and a brunette. I suggested the women, because I’m thinking they must be getting tired of shaving and plucking, too. And they always tell us that women have a much higher pain threshold than men.

NM: <grins> BIG mistake! Challenger asks Marguerite and when she finds out that Roxton talked about her having unsightly body hair, she chases him through the Treehouse for two hours threatening to pluck out each of his body hairs with her tweezers. Especially at those parts of the body where it REALLY hurts... <can't stifle a giggle>

LJR: I’ve learned that afternoon that women have no body hair in the wrong places. And if they do, I will never talk about it.

VK: So what happened next?
NM: Roxton and I sit in Challenger’s lab and he’s using that laser thingy. It hurt! You know, I think next to his teletransporter which turned out to be a time travel device, this laser was certainly his biggest scientific blunder. It burned away chest hair, but it also hurt the skin. We BOTH still have the scars.

VK: <getting very excited> Would you mind showing me the scars? Can I take pictures? Can we publish them on the Fashion Plateau?

LJR and NM in unison: NO!!

VK: Sorry… Sometimes I get carried away. Well, I think I better get this interview to my editor. Lord Roxton, Mr. Malone, I want to thank you for sharing your wisdom with the world. Or at least the Fashion Plateau. We are very grateful.

NM: Sure. But don’t forget to send us a copy of the interview before you publish it, so we can make sure you don’t misrepresent anything.

LJR: And cut the part where Ned talks about Marguerite chasing me through the Treehouse. I don’t think she reads the Fashion Plateau, but I don’t want to risk anything.

VK: Of course, Lord Roxton.