Challenger's Sunscreen Experiments

I promised you, dear readers, to keep searching for the truth about tanning on the Plateau. I understand that the Fashion Plateau readers were very much intrigued by my first hints about Professor Challenger’s sunscreen experiments.

As an amateur journalist I had to answer the demands of our esteemed readers for more facts about those highly classified experiments that the famous visionary had conducted in his lab.

Disregarding the dangers to my life I decided to throw myself into another shifting plane of reality to find out the truth and enlighten our dear readers even more. What is death or destruction of health and sanity, when it’s for the sake of fashion and for the pleasure of the readers of the Fashion Plateau. Experienced shifting plane of reality traveller that I am, I took the right SPR and met with my local correspondent Kiri.

“Kiri”, I said, “We need to know more about Challenger’s experiments with sunscreen. We may die trying to figure out the truth, but at least we’ll be in the know when we gasp our last breath.”

Kiri couldn’t have agreed more, except that he said he’d prefer not to perish. I told him in no uncertain terms that another correspondent could be found easily and he finally agreed to perish if required. Dedication is a wonderful thing, isn’t it?

This point of little importance settled between us, I instructed him to interrogate the Zanga and the tribes around the Treehouse, questioning them about any unexpected occurrences in recent times that might be related to sunscreen experiments.

I went to Chief Jacoba's Ale House in the Zanga Mall, ordered a beer and a plate of fried jungle truffles – the special of the day - and waited for Kiri’s return. When he finally came back, he told me that about six months ago a local tribe had given a sacred plant that only grows in their territory to a tall redheaded man and a lovely brunette. I sensed immediately that we were on the right trail. I even went so far as to do my own investigative work and interviewed a few other tribes. It was quite an ordeal. Twice I was chased by head-hunters, one time by very hungry cannibals, and four times by hysterical people who wanted to steal my elegant hat, which protects my pale skin from the aging effects of tanning.

I finally found a tribe that provided another piece of the puzzle. The shaman told me about a strange redheaded man, who had bought several Triceratops eggs. Puzzled I repeated “Triceratops eggs? Oh my!” I started to realise that Challenger’s ingredients for tanning lotion were certainly rather unorthodox.

These clues were helpful, but they didn’t provide the whole picture. I needed to take some drastic measures. Measures that any decent journalist would use in a case of emergency. I decided to find Challenger’s fabled notebook, in which he has written down so many of his ground-breaking discoveries, among them the formula for his revolutionary sunscreen. Challenger was prone to be secretive, so I was rather sure he wouldn’t give it me. I had only one option left: ‘borrow’ it without his permission. Of course some might question how ethical such behaviour is, but when the future of fashion journalism is at stake, we can’t be narrow-minded and let ourselves be misguided by petit bourgeois ethics.

With my usual tact and discretion I asked the shaman if it would be possible to recruit a good soul, who’d be able to create a copy of Challenger’s notebook.

The shaman told me that yes - for the right price - anything is possible in the Lost World, and he sent me to a neighbouring tribe with a word of recommendation to their chief. He told me they were experts at information retrieval.

As the tribe’s location was rather far, I found another conveniently located SPR, took Kiri with me, and hop! We were in the chief’s tent. I gave the man the Shaman’s note and after studying it carefully he agreed to give me one of his men.

He introduced me to Sejam-Donb, his most famous agent. Sejam-Donb is a very charming man and he said he’d be happy to help me for a fee. A most exorbitant fee, I might add. I explained my predicament and he replied, “This is one of my easier assignments, although, not without its dangers” I think he was just trying to increase his already outrageous fee. He went on his mission, promising to be back very soon.

I asked the chief what he’d do if Sejam-Donb were caught and he smiled.

“My dear Miss Katrine Clementa” he said “Firstly, our agents are never caught. But in the most unlikely event that one of my agents happens to be caught or killed during a mission I simply disavow any knowledge of him.”

You can imagine my surprise.

“And they always accept the mission?” I asked “Even if it seems impossible?”

“Of course “he answered. “I just send them a message saying “you’re needed” and they go. Also around here missions are usually pretty impossible, we are used to it.”

Needless to say I was very impressed.

Half an hour later, Sejam-Donb was back, with….. Challenger’s notebook! I thanked him profusely and grabbed the notebook. At last the deepest secrets of George Edward Challenger in my hands… Of course I was only interested in the fashion and beauty secrets, dear readers. Mind-controlling orchids, weapons of mass destruction, others care about those matters, we only pursue secrets of real importance.

Many secrets to uncover and precious few minutes to take notes, the eternal dilemma of the investigative journalist. Quickly I read through the notebook, searching frantically for hints about tanning and sunscreen. At last I found a page with the promising header “Experimental sunscreens”. My heart beating faster and faster, I read the passage. It was only a page long and I copied every word of it. When I was done, I handed the notebook back to Sejam-Donb, who put it back at its place in the Treehouse.

When he was back, I asked him how he had managed this coup.

“Oh, that was very easy, Miss, for a trained operative, that is.” he told me. “First I disguised myself as a book and found a hiding-place on the bookshelves in the living room. Then I morphed into Miss Krux’s hairbrush, the one she usually leaves on the table, after that I turned into one of Lord Roxton’s rifles, and finally into one of Challenger’s test-tubes. And there I was in Challenger’s inner sanctum, his laboratory, where I found the notebook. You see, very easy, anyone could do it.”

I was baffled, and my first thought was that the Honourable Sejam-Donb was making a joke; yet he seemed very serious. I had never seen anyone disguise himself into an object, only other people, but I guess this tribe had abilities that were far beyond our regular spies in our boring plane of reality. Whichever way he did it, we all can certainly be grateful that he has those abilities.

I thanked them all, expressing my hope that we could use their services for future reports and then Kiri and I took our SPR back. We landed in the Zanga Mall and after a debrief at the local espresso bar I finally said goodbye to Kiri, because I had to get home to write my article. The editor had called twice and mentioned the dreaded deadline.

Well, you know now how we got it, so without further ado: the fabled page from Professor Challenger's notebook, outlining his top secret experiments to create the perfect sunscreen:

From Professor Challenger’s notebook:

I finally decided to put an end to my experiments regarding sunscreen. My friends have begged me to do so for days, and even Roxton – usually my staunchest defender – has switched sides. Marguerite lent me a tube of her own sunscreen and said I’d better use that instead of my own concoctions. Perhaps she’s right; since that last explosion she looks a bit worried and spends much of her time outside the Treehouse, swimming with Veronica or walking with Roxton. I noticed that Malone is also often outside, constantly working at the windmill, although there isn’t really anything to do there. I have never seen them so eager to work outside. Even on days when the weather is most unfavourable for outdoor activities.

I thought I’d enjoy the peace and quiet, but truth be told it gets a little boring in my lab, if I don’t have anyone to talk to about my scientific discoveries. You can talk to yourself only that much. So I finally decided to end my brilliant experiments in sunscreen. My new formula is pretty much perfect, save for the fact that it’s highly explosive. A minor fact for sure, but one that seems to discourage potential users from enjoying its benefits. I’ve destroyed my notes about these experiments, much to the relief of my friends. For some reason they felt that the world was a safer place without my highly explosive sunscreen.

Although I have abandoned these experiments, I still think about them quite often. Who’d have thought that these orchids would react in such a fashion once they were mixed with the other ingredients. The instability of the mixture might be due to the sulphur content. Or could the scorpion venom have a negative effect as well? So many questions…

But I had to stop my work. Marguerite was rapidly losing her patience and that woman is a formidable foe, when she is angry about something. And Veronica made some barely veiled references to the living conditions in the Zanga village, which were much more favourable to a scientist’s needs. I had to agree with both of them, when they complained that the smell of the fumes of my experiments was most unpleasant. Of course as usual Malone agreed with Veronica and Roxton supported Marguerite eagerly. These young men really take their courtship of these ladies a bit far at times.

I miss my sunscreen experiments, but the field of science is vast. I will soon find a new object for my studies. I already have an idea or two.

G.E.C

Thus ends this fascinating page of Professor Challenger’s notebook. It is very sad that he had to stop experimenting, because we but we’re sure that a genius like Challenger would have been able to solve the biggest tanning problems. He could have brought the world a tan without aging. But it wasn’t meant to be. We understand the concerns that Miss Krux, Miss Layton, Mr. Malone and Lord Roxton voiced. Awful smells and the danger of mid-size explosions put a damper on any party. We will wait patiently for any new inventions or scientific discoveries from George Edward Challenger. And we’ll use our regular sunscreen, the one that is untouched by genius.